dear astronauts,

after your many years in space do not expect for Comcast Sprint T-Mobile or any other cell phone network to honor your return with a brand new phone.

those of you who prepared for your contracts to have expired while you were away drinking filtered urine and wondering whether your cat was really still alive or your spouse had just replaced it with a similar looking cat, please DO NOT just assume that the coin you kept in your pocket is going to buy you a call home to tell everyone the good news and to please come get you from wherever “they” are running uncomfortable and possibly even undignified experiments on you.

This is not a wise assumption on your part for two reasons:

1) inflation. even multiple dollar coins would probably not be enough to cover the cost of a 20-second phone call by that time.

2) see above. (the picture). note that no matter how much spare change you remembered to stash away in your secret jacket pocket, that amount will not be useful to you when calling on the pay phone because there ARE NO PHONES in the pay phones anymore. we here on earth can’t even call for emergency police assistance when we get mugged by thieves who stole our cell phones left us helpless and probably intend to use our hard earned cash to smoke drugs. anymore.

so that’s pretty much it for CURE # 1.

WARNINGS: WE RECOMMEND CONSULTING THE ABOVE PICTURE UP TO BUT NOT EXCEEDING 10 – 15 TIMES IN A SINGLE DAY. OVEREXPOSURE MAY RESULT IN A STRONG DESIRE TO DRUNK DIAL YOUR COLLEGE GIRLFRIEND, WHICH OF COURSE YOU CAN’T DO BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE ANY BOOZE.

I MEAN MAYBE YOU DO HAVE BOOZE BUT IT WOULD BE HIGHLY DANGEROUS TO CONSUME IN LARGE QUANTITIES AS YOU MIGHT HIT SOMEONE      SOMEONE’S DOG    ASTEROIDS.

but if you got to drink in space then probably it would be worth it.

If the Russian Mars Mission scientists turn out to be better than the American Mars Mission scientists or get more money or figure out how to cure/prevent space cancer faster, someone PLEASE please give me ADVANCE NOTICE and I will change the name of this blog.

If you know an astronaut who is on the list to go to Mars or are currently waiting for a Facebook friend approval from an astronaut who is going to Mars, please share this link with them, for their own good.

Everyone else, you have no business here.

CURES WILL BECOME AVAILABLE BEGINNING FRIDAY 4 NOVEMBER 2011.